June 2015 – funeral pyre – Cockney Cops in Space by Simon Evans

Cockney Cops in Space

by Simon Evans

“Just because it’s the future, it don’t mean I can’t deal with fings my way, the old, tried and tested facking way,” screamed Jack Deeney, Cockney cop.

“You’re a dinosaur, Deeney. Shape up or shit off,” replied Brian McGiving, the sharp suited, younger but senior cop.

“You’re doing my facking swede in, McGiving. What you want me to do? Corner the Alien bastard and make ‘im a cup o’ tea? Give ‘im a bunch of bleedin’ roses?”

“Shape up, Deeney. You’ve got twenty four space hours to shape up, or you’ll be back on terra firma shovelling paperwork before you can say interplanetary transfer.”

“Fack orf”.

Deeney stormed out of the chrome office, the doors hissed open and shut as he passed through them.

“Can’t even slam the facking doors no more,” muttered Deeney to himself as he strode angrily back to his small compartment on the Space Ship Blue Light, a police Mega Galactic Interplanetary Space Police Station, or MGISPS for short.

In case you hadn’t figured it out by now, Jack Deeney is an old style cockney cop whose unsubtle methods usually get results, to the annoyance of internal affairs officer McGiving.

What McGiving doesn’t know is that Deeney is sleeping with McGiving’s fiancé, the exotic beauty Carla Sansiposa.

As Deeney arrived at his cabin an ear splitting claxon sounded. The chrome corridors became a hive of activity as space cops readied themselves for action.

Deeney strapped himself into his space jet suit and looked at himself in the space mirror.

“Party time.”

McGiving appeared in the mirror behind him.

“Nothing unorthodox this time Deeney. Do this by the book. Nothing gung ho. I don’t want paperwork coming out of my arse until kingdom come because you’ve gone all Rambo all over the shop.”

“Yeah. Yeah. What we got this time?”

“Space Zulus have raided Persil Space Bank ship. Thousands of ‘em.”

“Facking Space Zulus.”

“I mean it, Deeney. I don’t want you turning the Persil Space Bank Ship into a funeral pyre.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Twenty minutes later Deeney was kicking in the back door of the bank ship. A startled Space Zulu was greeted with the butt of Deeney’s gun.

“Eat metal you scab.”

He fired several shots into a cluster of Space Zulus who were trying to crack the safe.

“Happy Christmas you facking muppets.”

He head butted another would be Alien Bank robber.

“Eat my face you nonce.”

Etc etc.

Within days Deeney was banged up in a cell on the MGISPS.

McGiving’s face appeared in the little window at the top of the cell door. His eyes were smiling.

“Well you’ve gone and done it this time, Deeney. You’ve turned the bank into a bleedin’ blood bank, I’ve got a queue of journalists a mile long and they all want a piece of my ass. I’ve got paperwork coming out of my ears. You contravened every rule in the book with your unorthodox handling of events. I hope you like Space Porridge.”

“Fack orf McGiving. I do things my way. The Cockney way. You and your sharp suit ain’t changing this cop.”

“Well you can rot in this tin can then, Deeney. I’m off to marry my beautiful fiancé, the exotic Carla Sansiposa.”

“If only you knew, McGiving” ranted Deeney.

“Knew what, Deeney?”

“Nuffink… nuffink.”

Deeney listened to the retreating footsteps of McGiving and started to sing in a gruff Cockney voice.

“Why, why must I be alone?

The future’s here but my feet are in the past.

Oh oh oh.

My lover is marrying anuvver.

Will she ever be my lover again?

The old ways are the best. I still wear a vest.

Oh oh oh.”

He heard a space key in the space lock of his cell. The door hissed open. An exotic beauty appeared, wearing a slinky space dress.

“Carla!”

“You’ve got to help us Jack. The Mega Galactic Interplanetary Space Police Station, or MGISPS for short, has been raided by a vicious Alien Drug Gang. Only you can help. They’ve got Brian, my fiancé and your boss and love rival in a strong head lock.”

“Show me,” said Deeney, through gritted teeth.

“No wait.” he said.

“Kiss me then show me.”

He gave exotic beauty Carla Sansiposa a gruff, stubbly Cockney space kiss and then slapped her slinky bottom.

“Now facking show me. Where are these bastard drug nonces?”

“Oh Jack,” swooned exotic beauty Carla Sansiposa.

Two minutes later Jack Deeney kicked a door down and was confronted by a vicious Alien Drug Gang. They had his boss and love rival, Brian McGiving, in a strong headlock.

“Drop ‘im” commanded Deeney.

“Drop ‘im or I drop you, you facking Alien cants.”

One of them ran towards Deeney, who hit the Alien with a vase.

“Have a smashing time.”

Another Alien was felled by a leather arm chair.

“Take a facking seat.”

Another was thrown into a space TV screen.

“Smile, you’re on telly.”

This went on until all the Alien Drug Gang were groaning on the floor.

“Cuff these muppets,” said Deeney, wiping his hands on his vest.

McGiving was rubbing his head and gasping for breath.

“How can I ever thank you, Deeney?”

“I’m glad you asked, McGiving. I’m taking Carla back to Earth. Back to Old London Town. We’re going to eat jellied eels and wear beefeater hats, just like in the olden days.”

“Oh Jack” swooned Carla Sansiposa.

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